Dog Days

I have never loved animals. I’m just not a “pets” kind of guy. I don’t have any resentment towards them or any real problem with the other species, I just don’t have the desire to harbor one of them in my own home. Maybe it’s because the neighborhood dogs chased me around relentlessly when I was a child, maybe it’s because my younger brother thought it would be neat to toss a cat at my face when I was a kid and leave me with a permanent scar or perhaps it’s the horrible allergic reactions I get from them, but the verdict has been rendered. I have no need to own an animal of any kind.

Maybe I would be more interested if pets offered a little more utility. I just feel like I’m doing all the work and they get all the reward. I work to pay for their food, their treats, cleaning supplies and probably other investments [depending on which creature you connect with]. I also have to spend time with them, when to be completely honest, I don’t like spending time with a lot of the people I spend time with so why, pray tell, would I want to add someone else to my itinerary that offers me nothing in return.Buy me a dog that can hold my wallet for me or a parrot that can remember all the passwords I have on my computer and I’ll talk this subject over again. If Garfield wants to eat all the lasagna he needs to start doing his part in the kitchen.

Look at Brian Griffin, until dogs learn to act like him, drink like him, and fail college like him, I’m not interested in taking care of one. Sure some of them are downright adorable but if I’m really craving “adorable” then I have bigger problems than a dog or a cat can help me with. My sense of humor is too twisted and relies too much on sarcasm and irony for animals to amuse me really. At least not for a long time. My roommate Kyle and I went with our neighbor Jamie to the dogpark with her dog “Ruca” and we spent the entire time mocking other peoples pets and enjoying cheap laughs at the expense of other dog owners. It was nice to be outdoors don’t get me wrong but the peak moment was then Ruca went for the community doggie dish and I got a chance to make jokes about “doggie AIDS”. Yes, believe it or not I went there. I felt like the village outcast or that kid who forgot a pencil on the first day of class. I was pretty out of place.

I honestly just went to check it out because I’ve always heard that the dogpark is a great place to meet women. During the daytime it’s supposed to be where they congregate. While I have no interest in the dog world, beautiful woman are always something intriguing to me. The piece of the puzzle that I left out and realized would soon become a barrier is most of these women are here because they own a dog. My stance on dogs and pets really doesn’t make for a romantic launching point for a conversation point. But sometimes you have to roll the dice and explore things anyways. You never know how things will turn out.

Forget dogs, I don’t want a dog, I want something better. A Kangaroo, for example, is a pet with something to offer. He has a pouch that can hold my stuff in while we’re hanging out. I can take my Kangaroo to class and he can carry my books. We can go to the beach and he can always have a dry pair of clothes for me. If I’m feeling risky enough I can buy some boxing gloves and see if Looney Toones got it right.

Maybe my allergies are a blessing in disguise because I will never have to try to battle my distaste for pets. There is not enough Benadryl in the world to make me try that scenario again. My old cat “Bubsy” took at least five years off my life due to how often I was sick around him. But to everyone who owns an animal for fun, to cope with loneliness, to sit and judge them or whatever else you get a pet for, I applaud your perseverance. The first time something tears up something in my house, it gets a slap in the face, a kick in the ass and a potential criminal charge on their record. The fact that all the issues are rewarding to humans on some level is something I will never relate to and I will now go and dream a “pet-less” dream to try to cope with my condition. Pray for me.


One Response to “Dog Days”

  1. You crack me up!!!

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